


If I Could Love You In The Right Way

by Twice_The_Heart



Series: Trimberly Week [2]
Category: Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Self-Hatred, Some Spanish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-09 17:39:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11673912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twice_The_Heart/pseuds/Twice_The_Heart
Summary: Because that is what she was. A fucking coward. Because she was so scared of letting herself be happy and letting herself love the girl of her dreams. She’s a coward because she wouldn’t let her love defeat her fears. Her love wasn’t enough, it wasn’t strong enough to win against her self-hatred. She couldn’t tie Kimberly down to the mess that was her life, with all her self-loathing and misery that wouldn’t let her be herself. That wouldn’t let her live a life where she could freely love someone else, without carrying around what she lost. There was no happy ending where Trini got the girl, had a family of her own and kept her family and friends with her.Not in this lifetime anyway.





	If I Could Love You In The Right Way

**Author's Note:**

> So I didn't get to finish this in time for yesterday, so I'm posting it a day late. Anyway, here's Angst for Day 2 of Trimberly Week. A good amount of this fic is based on some of my own life and struggles. The angst doesn't really kick in until the middle or so. Italics are for flashback/memories. All mistakes are mine.

 The first time Trini had feelings (that she remembers that is) for girl was in kindergarten.

 

_Her name as Annabel Hudson, she was super nice and friendly. She had really pretty wavy brown hair and hazel eyes. She was different from all of Trini’s other friends. Trini’s friends where mostly all boys. Annabel was special, she made Trini feel special and different when she was around. Maybe that’s way she felt so happy and proud when she managed to make Annabel smile and laugh, because she was so special. Annabel quickly became Trini’s best friend. She was absolutely smitten with the girl. Trini would follow Annabel around during school like a little puppy. She would always sit next to her at story time and she would always spend her lunch and recess with her. Trini couldn’t wait to see Annabel every time see went to school. But then school ended and Trini didn’t get to see Annabel every day, except on the weekends, like she did before. Her parents said that she had to wait until school started again in September to see her again._

_Her first grade class was across from her old classroom. She likes this new classroom. It had the number 1 right by the door, so Trini knew that this was the best because it was number 1 and because she knew that Annabel and Trini were in the same classroom again this year, her Mami and Papi told her. She was so excited to so her best friend that she waited by the door to wait for her. When she got there Trini ran up to her and hugged her and told her how much she missed her and how much fun they were going to have this year._

_But the teacher didn’t put them at the same table so Trini didn’t get to spend as much time with Annabel as she wanted. But she did make a new friend at her table, her name was Desiree Jauergui. She had never heard of that name. It was so pretty. Soon Desiree and Trini became best friends and they would always play together. Trini still played with Annabel but she seemed to have new friend too. Trini spent most of her time with Desiree and playing soccer with the boys from last year. Soon, she started to feel the feelings she felt when Annabel was around when she was around Desiree. But whenever she saw Annabel she still had the special feeling in her tummy, but it was less now than how it was when she was with Desiree._

Looking back, Trini should have realized that her first crush was on Annabel, and Desiree.  But by the time she learned what crushes were, she dismissed it. Girls only had crushes on boys. She played it off on the fact that Trini was such a tomboy that having a friend that was a girl was so different to her. She was just so thrilled because she actually managed to make friends with some girls who didn’t always like the prissy, girly things that the other girls liked. She should have known better, she wishes she wouldn’t have taken her so long to realize what the special feeling meant. Or even better, she wishes that she had never realized what those feelings really where. Then she wouldn’t have be in this situation.

_Since entering middle school, she felt weird. She couldn’t help but feel like she was constantly being judged by everyone else. It didn’t help that her father had been promoted and that they had just moved to this town over summer break. So when she started people just ignored her, the only time they noticed her was when they were making fun of her._

_“You dress like a boy. What’s wrong with you, are you some kind of dyke? Ha, that gap in your teeth is so big I bet I can fit a semi-truck in it. You should get your teeth fixed, or better yet, you should never open your mouth that way people would never have to look at your ugly teeth.” Some random boy spat out. Suddenly, a tall African American girl came out of nowhere and pushed him._

_“Hey, if I where you I’d leave her alone! Or else.” The girl said as she stood, in front of where Trini was sitting. The boy’s face turned red, whether from anger or embarrassment Trini couldn’t tell, as he picked himself up from the ground._

_“You little bitch, why don’t you mind your own business?” The boy hissed._

_The girl just laughed as she crossed her arms and sassed the boy, “Why don’t you make me?” The kid snarled and darted toward the girl but she quickly moved out of his way and he ended up falling into the giant trash can behind that was behind the girl. As Trini glanced around she noticed that they were drawing a lot of attention from the other kids and she wanted to disappear. She hated having so many people’s eyes on her. She shifted her eyes away from the kids in the cafeteria and focused her attention on the girl._

_The girl walked over to the table next to the empty one Trini sat and grabbed someone’s lunch. “You guys aren’t going to eat that are you?” The other kids quickly said no as the girl took their lunch tray and dumped it on the boy who was struggling to get out of the trash can. The boy froze in shook, before the girl spoke out._

_“If I ever see you come near me and her,” pointing at Trini, “I will do something much worst that dumping someone’s uneaten lunch all over you.” She threatened, him before she reached out for Trini’s hand and tugged her arms. “Come on let’s go.”  And that’s how she meet Jordan Kinney, the girl who soon became her best and only friend in this little town. They became attached at the hip, neither girl was seen out without the other. But soon that came crashing down._

_“Wait, what are you doing?” Trini asked. Jordan had come over so that they could study together for their science test on Monday. The other girl glanced up at Trini from under her lashes, and it made Trini nervous._

_“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m drawing on your arm you, dork.” Jordan chuckled, giving Trini a disarming smile, before turning her attention back to her masterpiece. The girl’s long black curly hair fell in front of her face, blocking most of it from Trini’s sight. And Trini’s heart began to race. Pretty girls intimidated her, she always felt super insecure around them, like she could never measure up to them. She felt the need to be perfect, like she need to prove herself or to impress them, like her needed some acceptance from them. She got that feeling when she was around Jordan, but sometimes Jordan was able to distract her from those weird feeling and her self-confidence issues._

_“There. Done!” Jordan announced as she put the cap back on her sharpie. Trini looked down at her forearm and gasped at what Jordan had drawn. On her forearm was a beautiful drawing of a snarling tiger, on the prowl as if it was getting ready to pounce. Trini stared at it amazed, when she felt Jordan’s gaze on her face. She glanced up at her and her breath got caught in her throat. Jordan was looking at her with an amused expression on her face, her green eyes twinkling with an unfamiliar emotion, and Trini’s gaze was locked with her. Suddenly, those green eyes flicked down towards her lips before they flicked back up to Trini’s eyes, causing her stomach to flip. Jordan started to lean forward and Trini’s body followed as if their bodies were magnetized._

_“Trini, can I kiss you?” The other girl whispered softly, and Trini could only nod, before she leaned in to close the distance between their lips._

_And it was everything every cheesy cliché teen romance story said it was. It was electric and exhilarating, soft and beautiful and just a little bit awkward. When they broke away, Trini couldn’t help to smile, and Jordan giggled at Trini’s dopey expression. “Come on, Trini, let’s get back to studying.” And Trini only nodded, her brain was not capable of forming words yet._

She remembers being so excited and happy the following few days. She couldn’t what to see Jordan at school the following Monday morning. She couldn’t help but wonder if Jordan remembers her, if she remembers Trini as the girl she shared her first kiss with. Or maybe Trini wasn’t her first kiss? She wonders if Jordan was just as excited and eager to see her after sharing that kiss. What if Jordan wanted to be her girlfriend, was she planning on asking Trini out after that kiss? She cracked a sad smile at that thought. She could have had her first girlfriend, but her mother managed to ruin that chance.

_She was sitting on the couch watching some TV, her brothers off playing in their room, when her mom came back from the store._

_“_ _¡Trini, ven a ayudar me con las bolsas!” She called out. Trini obediently got up to help her mom. When she remembers that she had yet to tell her mom about her first kiss. She smiled, may be this could help the bond again._

_She couldn’t help but feel like she was a disappointment to her parents sometimes. They must have had this whole illusion when they found out that they were going to have a girl, a little girl that love to dress up, that love tea parties and dolls. A little girl that was their perfect little princess that love the color pink and all things girly. But she was none of those things, she was a tomboy, she hated wearing skirts and dresses. She hated the color pink and she preferred toy cars and superheroes over baby dolls and Barbies._

_But every mother loved to talk to their daughter’s about their first crush and first kiss right?_

_“Mami, tengo algo que decirte.” She said excitedly as she helped carry some of the grocery bags from the door to the kitchen._

 

_“Si, mija, ahorita me dices. Pero primero, tengo que decirte algo. Mija, ya no quiero que te juntes con Jordan.” She said as she started putting the groceries away._

 

 

_“¿Pero Mami, porque? Ella es mi mejor amiga!” She pause in shock, with a can of corn in her_

_hand._

 

_“Trini, esa niña no es un buen ejemplo para ti.”_

 

_“Mami, ella nunca hace travesuras. Siempre se comporta bien con sus padres y los maestros.”_

 

 

_“Trinidad, escuchame. No quiero que te juntes con ella. Esa chica es una de esas lesbianas, y no quiero que estes serca de ella. No quiero que te vaya a tratar de meter en su vida de pecado. Trini, esos personas están enfermos. No son normales. Los hombres deben que están con las mujeres y las mujeres con los hombres. Pero los homosexuales son malos, los hombres se meten con los hombres y las mujeres con las mujeres, es un asquerosidad lo que hacen.”_

 

_Her mother ranted with so much disgust and anger in her voice and Trini’s heart broke. Because this was her mother. She spoke so much hatred and disgust about someone she knew, someone who stopped being Trini’s little friend and went to being someone sick and wrong, the moment she found out that she liked girls. What would she think about Trini, who was her daughter? And why was it so wrong for her to like girls? If it was bad then why did she feel this way? Her mother’s voice broke her out of her thoughts._

 

_“¿Me entendes?” She mother asked sternly._

 

_“Si, Mami.” She said defeated and heartbroken. But her mother didn’t react or think too much about it._

 

_“Ok, mija. Ahora, que era lo que me querías decir?” Her mother asked as she put away a couple of boxes of pasta._

 

_“Nada.” Trini answered. “No era importante.”_

After that conversation, Trini did her best to push down those feeling. She also did her best to avoided Jordan as much as possible. She learned how to make herself invisible, how to use the people around her and the rooms and hallways to disappear. Fortunately for her, a few weeks later they ended up moving again.

 

And again and again. Until they ended up in this little town called Angel Grove. It was the same as all the other small towns. Or at least that’s what she thought up until a year after they moved.

 

It all started when Billy blew up the side of that mountain. It all happened so fast, somehow all five of them had been at the same place and the same time, all for different reasons. First, they found those power coins and the next thing they knew they were running away from the guards at the mine. They had all managed to get to Billy’s van and tried to make a get away, but then the train crashed into the van and … _they died???_ (She’d still not so sure about that part.)

 

They wake up the next day and suddenly they all have superpowers and shit. They all decide that going back to the mines is somehow the answer to all of this, like the dumbasses they are. Which was okay, turned out to be kinda true. She wanted nothing to do with any of this bullshit but they had to drag her into this shit show. And by drag, she means being tricked into being pushed of a motherfucking cliff.

 

Fucking Kimberly, and her stupidly attractive face.

 

Anyway, that leads them to finding the ship along with Alpha 5, a tiny root alien and Zordon, a face stuck in the ships wall. Soon they discover that they’re Power Rangers and that they had the task of protect the Earth by keeping this crystal safe from bad people who were trying to get the crystal.

 

And what the _FUCK_ were they thinking? Who the _fuck_ decided that the fate of the world rested on the backs of a couple of teenagers? Like high school and college wasn’t stressful enough? Now this shit????

 

So they had eleven days to defeat this evil alien chick Rita Repulsa who wanted to get the crystal. So they started to train and stuff. But they couldn’t even morphing into their fucking armor! And it turns out that they had even less time than they thought. Because Rita attacked Trini out of nowhere and nearly killed her. And Trini goes to warn the others, so they go to fight her.

 

But then they fail, and Billy _dies_. Oh god, Billy. But then Zordon brings him back! And then they go out to fight Rita _again_. This time the win and they bitch slap into outer space with their Megazord. And everything goes back to normal.

 

Except it doesn’t.

 

Because she suddenly has friends that care about her so much. Friends that become her family. She has people who love her for who she really is and who want to spend time with her. High school isn’t as lonely and horrible as it once was, it becomes bearable. Sure kids still write shitty things on her locker, but she mostly ignores it.

 

But the most unexpected thing of all is Kimberly Hart. She could have never seen herself even talking to the girl. But she suddenly became one of Trini’s closest friends.  They understood each other in ways no one else could. But being around Kimberly took some getting used to. The girl was really affectionate and was always making some form of contact. This was something Trini wasn’t really used to. Kimberly was basically a whirlwind that invaded her life, and Trini found that she didn’t mind one bit.  They spent almost as much time together as they did with the boys. This little trips to Krispy Kreme turned into one of their traditions, as well as fighting for the last bite of the donut.

 

But Trini didn’t count on Kimberly getting past her defenses. She didn’t count on her walls to come down to let Kim in. She didn’t count on slowly falling for her best friend. Suddenly, she found her she thinking about Kimberly, how the way she laughed filled her with warmth, the way her sparkling brown eyes took away Trini’s breath. And how Trini itched to run her hands through Kim’s hair and how she wished to just sink into her arms.

 

But she did her best to push these new feeling down. She didn’t want to ruin her friendship with Kim. But the most time they spent together the more she fell for the other girl, until she could no longer deny that she was completely in love with her best friend.

 

Which brought her to the situation she was in now.

 

“Trini, say something, please.” Kim pleaded, her voice breaking, along with her heart. Because here in Kim’s room was the girl she loved, confessing her feeling for her. She had never even dreamed of this being a reality. Because Kimberly was so out of her league, and Trini wasn’t good enough for her. She couldn’t possible love Trini, Trini was no one worthy of love. She had long since resigned herself to a life of loneliness.

 

“I…. I think I love you too, Kim.” She whispered hoarsely, as she swallowed the lump in her throat. And Kimberly’s eyes shone with unshed tears as she broke into a heart stopping smile. Trini quickly ducked her head down and snapped her eyes shut. This was not happening, god, this must be all a dream. And soon she’ll wake up and her heart will ache all over again.

 

She chuckled as she grabbed both of Trini’s hand and gently tugged Trini closer to her. Before she moved her arms up along Trini’s arms to gently cradle Trini’s face in her hands, rubbing her thumbs across Trini’s cheekbones, prompting Trini to look up at her. “Trini, I really want to kiss you right now. May I?” She whispered softly. Trini leaned in even closer hypnotized by Kim’s intense brown eyes, before she croaked out a breathless yes.

And Kim leaned in and met Trini’s lips, moving softly at first before quickly growing confident and heated. Both of them pouring their emotions into that passionate kiss and applying more pressure. And it was perfect and everything her heart desired, until Trini froze. Suddenly, everything that happened with Jordan came flooding back. The kiss and her mother’s word where all she could think about.

 

_“Trini, esos personas están enfermos. No son normales.”_

_“Los hombres deben que están con las mujeres y las mujeres con los hombres.”_

_“Pero los homosexuales son malos...”_

_“…los hombres se meten con los hombres y las mujeres con las mujeres…”_

_“…es un asquerosidad lo que hacen.”_

_“No quiero que te vaya a tratar de meter en su vida de pecado.”_

Those words were running on a loop in her head along with flashes of her mother’s face. The look of disappointment she already saw on a daily basis. But now she could clearly see the look of disgust and hatred she had on that day, directed at her. Not only her but everyone in her family, she saw her father stiff with anger yelling at her, calling her an abomination and the scum of the Earth. She saw her brothers crying, secretly watching as her parents yelled profanities at her and kicked her out of the house. Maybe they would beat her, slap her, and yank her out the door by her hair. The boys would probably run up to her parents begging them to stop hurting her, to stop hurting their sister. Her parents would probably yell at them to get back inside, they’d tell them that she wasn’t their sister anymore. They would most likely forbid her from ever seeing them or coming into contact with them. And what then? Would her parents sprout lies about her? Would her parents tell her brothers that she was a monster? Would they eventually listen to all the horrible things her parents said about her and grow up to hat her too?  Oh god, she couldn’t deal with that.

 

Trini abruptly broke off the kiss and shoved Kim back. Kim stumbled back, trying to catch her breath and stared at Trini in shocked. Until she noticed the tears running down Trini’s face and the painful sobs she made.

 

“Trin, baby, what’s wrong?” She asked as she quickly moved forward to take her into her arms. But as soon as she stepped forward, Trini moved back and started to cry harder.

 

“Kim, I can’t.” She let out, so softly that Kimberly almost didn’t hear her.

 

“Can’t what, Trini?” She tried to get Trini to look at her, but Trini stubbornly refused to look in her direction. Trini shut her eyes, feeling her break shatter, because she knew that this would destroy everything.

 

“Kim, I can’t do this.” She gestured between them. “My parents….” She trailed off.

“Trini, we can figure this out, together. If your parents kick you out, I’m sure you could stay with Billy or Jason. Maybe if we talked to my parent they could help you too…” Kim rambled off with a desperate tone seeping into her voice.

 

“Kim, I can’t. My family is everything. They would hate me and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that my parents would turn my brothers against me. That they too may one day hate me like they do. I will never be able to see my family again, I will never be able to be a part of my brothers’ lives. I’ll never see them grow up and get married and have kids. I will never have the life I want.” Trini shouted before she lowered her voice. “It eats me up inside that if I do this, I lose everything. I lose all the people I care about, I’ll be alone.”

 

“Trini. You won’t be alone. You have the boys.” Kim reminded her. “You have me.” She whispered, as Trini sniffled and wiped her tears from her cheeks.

 

“Kim, you deserve someone who can give you their whole heart, someone who can love you with no reservations whatsoever.” Trini smiled sadly. Because that was the truth, Kimberly deserved someone to love her completely with nothing holding them back.

 

“Trini, please don’t do this. We could do it, we could live the life you want together, if you just take the chance. Please. I love you and I want only you.” She begged with tears tumbling down her face, her warm brown eyes silently pleading with Trini to stay, to say yes.

 

Trini started to cry even more, “I’m sorry, Kim. You don’t know how much I wish that I was brave enough to take that chance. I wish that I wasn’t so afraid. I wish that my love was stronger than my fear. I know that one day, you’ll find someone that had the courage to love you, unlike me. You’ll find love and happiness, but it just won’t be with me.”  And like the coward she was, she ran.

 

Because that is what she was. A fucking coward. Because she was so scared of letting herself be happy and letting herself love the girl of her dreams. She’s a coward because she wouldn’t let her love defeat her fears. Her love wasn’t enough, it wasn’t strong enough to win against her self-hatred. She couldn’t tie Kimberly down to the mess that was her life, with all her self-loathing and misery that wouldn’t let her be herself. That wouldn’t let her live a life where she could freely love someone else, without carrying around what she lost. There was no happy ending where Trini got the girl, had a family of her own and kept her family and friends with her.

 

Not in this lifetime anyway.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Translation of the conversation between Trini and her mother (warning it's very homophobic): 
> 
>  
> 
> "Trini, come and help me with the bags!" She called out...
> 
> "Mom, I have something to tell you." 
> 
> "Sure, my daughter, you tell me in a while. But first I have to tell you something. Mija, I don't want you to hang out Jordan anymore."
> 
> "But Mom, why? She is my best friend! "
> 
> "Trini, that girl isn't a good example for you."
> 
> "Mommy, she never gets in trouble. She always behaves with her parents and teachers. "
> 
> "Trinidad, listen to me. I do not want you to hang out eith her. That girl is one of those lesbians, and I don't want you to be around her. I don't want you to get mixed up in her life of sin. Trini, those people are sick. They are not normal. Men should be with women and women with men. But homosexuals are bad, men get with men and women with women, it's disgusting what they do. " ...
> 
> "Do you understand me?" 
> 
> "Yes, Mom." 
> 
> "Okay, my daughter. Now, what was it that you wanted to tell me? "
> 
> "Nothing." Trini answered. "It wasn't important."
> 
> And that's it, the same lines get used again towards the end. I grew up speaking spanish so I'm fluent, but I never really wrote in Spanish. So if there's some mistakes like missing accents, it's cuz I never know where they go.


End file.
